If this is Santa, I've been rotten naughty all year.

OK, there was no chance of anything other than a home-based evening of craft/homemaker type entertainment after struggling to get home. But that was OK: it was the 1st of December and all. I managed to catch Homebase (glam or what?) to purchase my new 'married couple' tree. Let me explain; for some reason, I have harboured the belief that only proper married couples have 5-7ft trees- singletons and boyfriends/girlfriends have tabletop ones. So this year is the first year I qualify for a 6 footer (ooeerr). Unfortunately I couldn't manage a 6 footer on the ice, so we went with 5 foot of green plastic goodness, adorned with a combination of handcrafted, carefully selected baubles and tacky s**te. Check it out...



Handcrafted Vintage-Style Bauble (from some craft market or other circa 05)




As I'd upgraded to a proper grown-up tree (long after being a proper grown up) I needed some items to pad it out. Items that would look pretty/kitsch/Christmassy this year, and which I wouldn't cry when forced to replace with lovely home made baubles, or expensive glass-painted-but-uber-kitsch things I picked up in the Harrods sale for less than 20% of the original price (my dear old dad taught me this Christmas trick- thanks dad!). I bought a multi-pack, multi-shape pack, with bows and globes in my general purple-and-aqua favourite colour range:

Spot the work files cunningly hidden...

I couldn't bear for poor old singleton-tree, who has been mine since I was a lowly student/trainee, being tossed on the rubbish heap, so I made a mini-forest. So far, so cute - but, lurking in that innocent looking plastic cone of Christmas tat, was this bad boy:

WTF

Seriously. What. Is. That??
He's vaguely menacing with his green, glittering groin and cheeky bearded face. I'm sure somewhere in a factory they are churning out these scary Santas like there's no tomorrow - after all, didn't all of our parents have at least one scary bauble? Ours was the one-armed-angel; menacing and lopsided, she lurked round the back of the tree as bitter as Miss Havisham (but we couldn't throw her away...part of a set)- likewise, His Lordship's family have these strange, wizened elves that look more like gremlins. Or strange men, hanging round the shelter in the local recreation ground, who you got warned about in assembly. And so the ciiircle of liife goes on: if and when I have little ones, this big fella is going to be hangin' out on the tree, teaching them about life and the subtle balance between cute and scary. So he has a purpose, don't be too hard on him.

Let me know if you spot other ugly/scary Crimbo deccies... I feel the urge to collect some e-knowledge on this. Plus old glitter-chuds up there needs some company.

Adios Amigos! Vimto-and-Vodka cocktails await from my prince...